What he did was wrong, but there’s something wrong with me too.
I don’t think people understand how hard it is to speak up about stuff you overcame because we were always told to be silent and constantly put down. I am a survivor of “human trafficking,” mental, physical and financial abuse. I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years. I finally found the courage to leave him in March, 2017. I left with nothing and have nobody by my side. It’s been 20 months since I left him and I am in the process of healing. And still trying to get my life back on track. If you’re a victim or a survivor of domestic abuse, my heart goes out to you. If that’s not the case, I hope reading this and my future blog posts, gives you a better understanding about domestic abuse.
In the beginning of our relationship, he showed so much love and made me feel like I was on top of the world. There was plenty of warning signs that I seemed to ignore because I didn’t know any better at the time. Like how he would get jealous any time I wanted to be around my friends or family without him. He wanted all of my attention. I thought this was love. Within the first year, he had me wrapped around his fingers and he knew it. He started controlling me and keeping me away from all my friends and family. Eventually, he’s all I really knew. If I wasn’t around him, his friends or his family, then I was out of town escorting. When the controlling became worse, so did his temper.
Once it got to this point, the mental abuse escalated. He would belittle me and call me names. All his derogatory comments made me feel so worthless and self-conscious. He took away the little bit of self-esteem I had left in me. Before I knew it, he was controlling every move I made, whether I was around him or not. Any time he got physically violent with me, he would make me feel like it was my fault and if I tried talking to anyone about what happened, he would silence me. I was isolated and felt so alone. This caused me to go through depression and severe anxiety. Any time I would catch him in a lie, he would make me feel like I was crazy. I didn’t feel safe because any time I’d leave, he’d threaten to harm my family and I. Sometimes he’d even threaten to kill himself. If I tried to speak up for myself, I got yelled at and shamed. I would get blamed for anything and everything. Eventually I started to believe him, even though the blame was on him.
I was isolated and felt so alone. This caused me to go through depression and severe anxiety.
When I called myself a “human trafficking” survivor, you may wonder why I put human trafficking in parenthesis. Well, I’ll tell you what that’s all about. What I really should have said is, I’m a survivor of being pimped out. When I was with my abuser, he financially abused me nearly the whole time we were together. I was escorting for him and he kept all of my money. I guess you could call him my “boyfriend pimp.” He did this by taking all the money I made. He did not have a job; I was his source of income. I was making 1 to 3 thousand dollars every day I worked for him. It felt like I was his sex slave. I was rarely aloud to spend any money on myself, for anything by any means. I didn’t want to be a prostitute anymore. Prostitution was draining the life out of me. I would cry to him about wanting a normal job, he’d tell me that I needed to work. He’d mention how once we save some money up, I can quit. But he didn’t know how to save money. He spent it all on himself and everyone around him. Except me. I made all the money and he bought very expensive clothes, jewelry, cars, etc. for himself. I had nothing. He always made me feel bad about spending money on myself; even when it came to my health. So I didn’t take care of myself. He made me drop out of college because he said we needed more money. And school took up time. And time was money in his eyes, so there was no time to waste. I wasn’t aloud to do anything besides work. He made me feel like I was worth nothing, so I felt worthless as a person. The house we rented was in his name. Which made everything in the house his. He bought a Lexus, CLS500 and S550 Mercedes Benz for himself, with my money. I had nothing, but some clothes. I couldn’t even spend the money I made on my court fines, so my debt kept piling up. He would tell me we were saving up money to fix my life, but I was always let down.
I didn’t want to be a prostitute anymore. Prostitution was draining the life out of me.
When my abuser and I first started talking, I recall asking him one night if he would ever hit me. I was concerned because my previous ex-boyfriend had slapped me a few times. He replied to my question with these exact words: “I don’t hit women, I slap bitches.” I felt relieved, thinking that meant he wouldn’t ever hit me. Boy, was I wrong. Within the first year, he’s already slapping me. The slaps turned to punches. Then the punches turned to full fledge beat downs.
During the last 2 years before I left him, the abuse became constant and grew extremely severe. Any time I was around him, which was hardly ever because at this point, I always had to be out of town escorting for him. Though when I came home, he was constantly inflicting pain on me or always threatening to do so. One time he tried to rape me with our dogs erection, luckily I was able to get away and that didn’t happen. Whenever we were fighting and I tried to leave, he’d chase me on foot or in the car. On 2 different occasions, we got into a high speed chase with one another. Because I was trying to get away from this monster. He would physically abuse me by slapping, kicking, punching and choking me. He loved seeing me in pain. I know he did. He’d fight me then want to have sex with me.
One time he even tried to rape me with our dogs erection.
During those horrific years, I felt trapped, like I had no way out. It was like he had me in his own abusive prison. The traumatic abuse I endured for those 5 years changed me. At first it broke me down, then it made me. I was like his slave, being tortured for his own pleasure. I left countless times during those years, but always ended up back with him. I was miserable, I lost all hope. I felt stuck, it was like running in circles. It came down to life or death in order for me to leave him for good. If I stayed with him, he was going to kill me, someone was going to or I was going to kill myself. I knew it. So I chose to leave him for good.
I was miserable, I lost all hope.
I left with nothing- no car, no money. Just a criminal record and a bunch of debt. I haven’t went back to escorting since the day I left him. I am starting my life over from the ground up. I’m going to do things the right way this time around. I have all the proof needed to build a case on my abuser, but I refuse to do that. It has taken me 20 months since I left him to finally find the courage and write this blog post and tell the world. And it took me 5, miserable, long, hard years to find the strength within myself to leave him. Yes, he mentally, physically and financially abused me, but I continued to allow it. Looking back on those years with my abuser taught me a lot about myself. His mental, financial and physical abuse played a role in keeping me there, but it was my own mental problems that bound me there. The reason I chose him as a partner was because I didn’t love myself. My relationship with him was a reflection about how I felt deep down inside. My whole world felt like it was falling apart. I was holding on by a thread. Luckily I found a Light at the end of that very dark tunnel. The day I left him was the day I began to love myself.
His mental, financial and physical abuse played a role in keeping me there, but it was my own mental problems that bound me there.