“It takes strength and courage to admit the truth.” -Rick Riordan
I believe one of the best things we can all do is speak our truth. I spent most of my life keeping my feelings hidden from others; helping everyone else and listening to everyone else’s problems, as a way to not deal with my own issues. Throughout the years I was prostituting, I kept it a secret. The only ones I discussed prostitution with were other escorts, pimps, johns and my ex’s family. When I was working, members in my family would ask me if I was a prostitute; I’d always deny it. When they’d ask me how I get my money, I’d say I was babysitting. I was not proud of what I was doing. If we are not ashamed to think it, we shall not be ashamed to say it (Marcus Tullius Cicero).
I spent most of my life keeping my feelings deep inside of me; helping everyone else and listening to everyone else’s problems, as a way to not deal with my own issues.
In March, 2017 I stopped prostituting; moved back home with my mother and brother. At one point, I began drinking hard liquor and smoking crystal meth on on a daily basis. I was alone; keeping my feelings deep down inside of me; doing whatever it takes to drown out the noise. I kept quiet about my past. The lonely silence was draining the Light in me because I had so much to say. March, 2018 will mark two years since I changed my life for the better. This year I finally admitted to my family that I used to be a prostitute.
The lonely silence was draining the Light in me because I had so much to say.
My family that I am living with gave me the courage to speak my truth and write this blog. When I first moved back home, I didn’t speak up to my family about my past. Any time my brother and I would get into verbal arguments, he’d always bring up how I’m a prostitute or say that’s why you suck dick for money. I would ignore his words whenever he said this to me; until the next time we’d argue and he’d bring it up again. It began to annoy me because he thought that’s all I did. There was so more more I did for money than just suck dicks all day. One day I blurted out to my brother and mother: That’s not all I did! Some people paid me just to hang out; go out to eat; fart in their face; pee on them; piss in a cup and watch them drink it; throw them in a corner and call them a little bitch; kick them in the balls; fuck them in the ass. The list could go on. My brother smirked and his only reply was you didn’t do that. After all these years, in denial, I finally admitted to my family the truth.
Some people paid me just to hang out; go on a date; fart in their face; pee on them; piss in a cup and watch them drink it; throw them in a corner and call them a little bitch; kick them in the balls; fuck them in the ass.
My mother told me that I’m disgusting and that she doesn’t want to hear it. I don’t understand how she was grossed out when I admitted I did more than just suck dick. I still recall a time when she was drunk in her room talking to herself; I heard her saying I bet you like sucking dick for money. The money must be nice huh. I was embarrassed because I didn’t tell her I was a prostitute at the time, but I figured she was referring to me. Not to mention, when my mom argued with me, she would tell me to go suck a dick or go get fucked in the ass or call me an embarrassment for a child. She was drunk when she said these things, but it still hurt my feelings.
I bet you like sucking dick for money.
I finally opened up to my mom about my past and was ready to speak my truth more than ever. Yet, any time I brought it up, she would tell me: I don’t want to hear it. You must have liked it if you keep talking about it. Go talk to a shrink. Because of my mother I decided to make this blog. She told me to tell someone else and I decided to make my blog public for the world to see. It’s hard to talk to them about this subject at the moment; I’ve tried, but I love my family and I know they love me. No matter what I go through, I am learning to not let the actions and words of others get to me. I am proud of how far I have come. For once in my life, I am not ashamed of my past. I could write novel after novel on my life; I have been through a lot. Once I save up enough to buy a laptop, I’ll be posting longer, more frequent blog posts. I have so much to say; I am hoping someone hears me because I have been in silence for too long.
No matter what I go through, I am learning to not let the actions and words of others get to me.