“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” Although this is a great motto to live by; words do hurt, but it’s best to not let them get to you. When I was with my abuser, I was mentally abused, not only by him, but by his mother too. I still remember all the times I cried to them about wanting to change my life and not wanting to be an escort anymore. I would tell them: I just want to have a normal life again. I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s making me depressed. If I stay in ‘the game,’ I’m going to end up dead or in jail. I want to get a normal job. I’m tired; why do I have to work this much? It’s draining the life out of me.
Whenever I would complain or cry to my abuser about not wanting to prostitute for him anymore, he would either act like he cared and tell me: Baby, I love you so much; you don’t have to do this that much longer. We are saving up money so you don’t have to do this. I’m going to take care of you. His words were so unbelievable, that I actually believed them; or wanted to believe him. Other times when I cried to him about wanting to quit that lifestyle; he’d get agitated with me and physically and mentally abuse me. He’d tell me: Once a hoe, always a hoe. How does it feel to know your Dad is looking down on you, watching you suck all those dicks, bitch. Why are you complaining now? You were doing this before I met you.
Any time I cried to my abusers mother about not wanting to be with her son nor be his money maker anymore; she’d reply with a voice so sweet, but words so sour: Oh, Sasha, you act like your job is so hard; all you have to do is lay on your back. Just give him the money, I’ll pay you back. You have an easy job, you’re lucky; I wish I could get paid all that money at my job. You were doing this before you met us baby girl. (I had a life before I met my abuser; I never worked as much as he had me working. I felt like his sex slave).
I felt extremely low as a person from all the words my abuser and his mother said to me. They made me feel like I couldn’t amount to anything in life, except to be a prostitute for their profit. Because any time I asked about changing my life, they made me feel like it was impossible; I now realize I’M POSSIBLE. Though, my abuser was semi-correct with his reply once a hoe, always a hoe, because if I didn’t find the strength to leave him, I would still be prostituting. I let them have authority over me and dictate choices that I am more than capable of making myself. I let their mental abuse get to me and I let them run the show; but in reality, it was my own mental prison that was truly in charge. Looking back on my past, sometimes I get annoyed with the fact that I let my abuser control me for 5 years. If I knew and felt what I do now, I wouldn’t have ever let myself stay in a situation where I am being controlled. I just have to remind myself that I had to live and learn; because I wouldn’t be who I am now, know what I know now; if it wasn’t for what happened. I won’t ever let someone control my life again.