IMperfect

All of the abuse, all of the lies, all of the times I’ve cried; sometimes I ask myself, why? Why would I stay and deal with such horrific abuse? I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years; almost every day brought me to tears. I was mentally, physically and financially abused. I was prostituting for him and felt so used. When I was with my abuser, I felt stuck, like there was no way out. I left and went back countless times. It’s like we were playing a game of tug-o-war and he’d always win. Looking back, I now realize, I stayed because I was weak-minded, I have a big heart and I didn’t love myself. I let him be in charge, but it was my mental problems truly running the show.

It’s like we were playing a game of tug-o-war and he’d always win.

During the years I was with my abuser, I was awfully weak-minded. He made all of my decisions for me, even though I was more than capable of making them on my own. All he wanted me doing was prostituting for his profits. Over time, it felt easier to say nothing at all and listen to his commands, so I didn’t cause problems. Although I was not ok, the silence felt ok; it was safe. Being silent didn’t help much, it caused me to have depression and severe anxiety. All of these feelings led me to drug abuse. I was miserable; the only thing that seemed to stop me from crying was the smoke clouds I blew out, after lighting up the dope pipe.

Although I was not ok, the silence felt ok; it was safe.

In a world surrounded by people, I felt so alone when I was with my abuser. Some nights I sat on the floor, gripping my hands around my neck, debating if I should take my own life. Because I missed having a life and he wouldn’t let me live the life I wanted. I let my abuser be the captain of my ship, even though I’m more than capable of steering my own boat. I felt stuck; it’s like he had me chained to him by invisible shackles. I kept all of my feelings inside of me because he would get mad if I tried to talk to anyone about our problems. I had no one to talk to; he controlled me and kept me away from my friends and family. With him in charge, I was destined to crash. Because I’m the one whom should be in control of my life. I now realize that he was only in charge because my mental problems let him be in control.

I felt stuck, it’s like he had me chained to him by invisible shackles.

Someone once told me, my biggest downfall is that my heart is too big. I don’t think having a big heart is a bad thing. Being empathetic is a great character trait to have. Though, having a big heart, when you don’t love yourself, can be an unpleasant match. Most of my life I’ve been too trusting, too forgiving and always put everyone before myself. When I was with my abuser, I wanted to fix him and had hope that he’d become a better man. I was in love with the man that he used to be when we first met; I was holding on to a broken dream. Whenever he’d abuse me, I’d forgive him because I saw so much in him. Also I realize everyone makes mistakes and we are all capable of changing. I stuck around, hoping that he would change his abusive ways for me.

I wanted to fix him and had hope that he’d become a better man.

The saying your partner is a reflection of you couldn’t be any more true. I constantly told me abuser: I love you so much; I’ll do anything for you. Your happiness is my happiness. I love you so much, that’s why I put your happiness before my own. I felt so in love; he was like my drug and I needed my quick fix. I did what he wanted me to do, even though half of the time I didn’t agree with him. Sometimes he scared me into doing things his way; other times I just wanted to please him and make him happy, even if it meant I had to be miserable. After prostituting all week for him, I’d come home with thousands of dollars. Right when I arrived home, he’d demand the money. My abuser would always tell me good job baby. When he was nice to me, I felt so high on his love. If I didn’t come home with enough money, he’d mentally and physically abuse me. The words he said to me made me feel so low as a person. He took away the little bit of confidence I had in me at the time.

I felt so in love; he was like my drug and I needed my quick fix.

My abuser made me feel like I was worthless and he was perfect. I was self-conscious of my looks because of his derogatory comments. He broke me down and made me feel so much less than I AM. It’s like I was hanging on by rope and I needed him to stay afloat. Whenever he’d physically abuse me, he’d blame me for his actions. After a while, I started to feel like everything was my fault and I deserved the abuse. My actions showed I loved him; his actions made it seem like he hated me. If I was putting hate before myself, then I must hate myself. I was broken on the inside, but my way of dealing with it was finding someone else broken, who slowly broke me down a little more each day. In order for me to leave my abuser, it came down to life or death. I stopped prostituting and changed my life right when I left him. If I didn’t leave him, I was going to die; I knew it. I finally decided to put my life and happiness first. I picked up my broken pieces off of the floor and left out of the door. The day I left him was the day I began to love myself.

I was broken on the inside, but my way of dealing with it was finding someone else broken, who slowly broke me down a little more each day.

It can be hard having a big heart in a world full of people who have the choice to do wrong or right. It isn’t right to keep people in your life who constantly do you wrong. It’s ok to say no; it’s ok to let go; just as it’s ok to forgive, but you have to know when to draw the line and set boundaries. Just because there’s good in everyone, doesn’t mean that everyone is good for you. As humans, we tend to get used to being a certain way and that’s where habits form. My abuser was like my bad habit. Although his mental, physical and financial abuse played a role in keeping me there; it was my mental problems that bound me there.

Just because there’s good in everyone, doesn’t mean that everyone is good for you.

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