The Darnest Things My Mother Has Said To Me

“Why don’t you go back to Elk Grove and get fucked in the ass.”

“You’re not aloud at the kingdom hall because you can’t wear long skirts. You can’t wear long skirts with that potty mouth.”

“I bet you like suckin’ that dick for money. The money must be nice, huh.

Me: “Mom, tell the truth for once in your life.” Mom: “Alright… I’m a liar, I’m a piece of shit, I’m a lesbian and I like to get fucked in the ass.”

“I’ve been kicked out of Heaven 9 times, ask David.”

“I’m having a holy war with the jehovah’s”

“Call Bob, call Jim, call John. Go talk to the old church people; go tell a shrink; I don’t want to hear it.”

“Go suck Bob’s dick.”

“Hey guys! I got an idea for a new rap song, it’s called “I’m Sick Of It.” It goes something like… Bitch stop knockin’ on my door tryna’ smoke my cigarettes and go buy your own. I’m real sick n’ tired of that *** bitch knockin’ on my door tryna’ smoke my cigarettes. When I need a cigarette, they don’t have any or they only have one left. Get off your pot, get off your alcohol and go buy your own.”

Me: “When was the last time you drank?” Mom: “Over 7 weeks ago when I bought that bottle of Vodka and you drank it all.” Me: “Then why did I smell alcohol on your breath last week?” Mom: “I probably just smelled because I didn’t shower for a week.”

My Mother was driving her car talking about “disco here, disco there,” while I sat in the passenger seat, enjoying the ride.

Me: “Name one thing you’ve done wrong that has to do with me.” Mom: “I’ve never called you the ‘H’ word.” Me: “What’s the ‘H’ word?” Mom: “A hoe.”

Me: “Were you drunk last night?” Mom: “No.” Me: “Then why were you sleeping under your bed?” Mom: “I was tired.”

Me: “Now I have some questions for you; are you going to tell the truth?” Mom: “No Sasha, I’m a piece of shit.”

Me: “You have problems.” Mom: “I don’t have any problems except for you’re annoying.”

Me: “Mom, I flushed your turds down the toilet.” Mom: “Fuck off bitch!”

Me: ***sings in my weird voice.*** Mom: Why don’t you go hang out with Fred and suck some dick.”

*** Certain name’s have been changed for privacy reasons.

I will keep this list going. Stay tuned!


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