Dealing

The easiest way to stay sober is to deal with your problems; the fastest way to end up drunk or on drugs again is by avoiding all of the problems you need to deal with. Today will mark 69 days of me being clean. I haven’t drank alcohol (not even wine), smoked cigarettes, done drugs or any other mind-altering chemical in almost ten weeks That is a big step for me, considering I have spent a good portion of my life, high and/or drunk. Not to mention, I was smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, now I smoke zero cigarettes. It’s not like I don’t ever plan to drink wine again, but I can’t right now because I am healing. “When will I be healed?” I wonder to myself. “We don’t have those answers; depending on what you do on a daily basis will determine when you will be healed,” a voice in my head replied. Healing takes time, I can’t snap my fingers or click my toes and say “wah-lah!” It’s all a growing process; in order to grow, we must heal. For one to heal, one must feel; and the only way to feel is to keep it real. Be real with yourself and those around you. What do you cry about at night or when no one is looking? I cry because I miss my Dad and my Grandpa. They raised me growing up and I lost them both in 2009; it’s hard, I miss them. I cry about the fact that I spent five years in an abusive relationship; it breaks my heart replaying the severe abuse I endured. I cry because I feel like I ruined my life and I have to start over from the ground up, with a bunch of debt and a criminal record. I cry because I miss everyone I had in my life before my Father died. I ran away from everyone, even my best friends. I went MIA on the world, yet ten years later I finally made it back to the place I have been running from and I just feel so alone sometimes. I cry because I’ve been so close to death countless times, it’s a miracle I am still alive. It makes me sad because ever since all four of my Grandparent’s died, my family seems so distant. I cry because I miss my animals. Sometimes I break out in tears for no apparent reason, wishing that I would die. Though I am glad I am alive, but during those times, I wished I wasn’t. I could go pop open that bottle of wine in my pantry, but that will only prolong the healing process, so I am writing instead. Sometimes I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, but when I lay in bed, it doesn’t help me feel any better. I have to push myself and say “just get up and go make some tea” or “go stare at the sky, there’s so many stars out.” There were times when I said those things and I still didn’t want to get up and I would just lay in bed for hours. Eventually I would tell myself “just get up and go pee,” so I would get up and stay awake, which helped me feel better. Sometimes it feels easier to lay back down and drift back off into dream land, but I can’t give up on my dreams. I have to push myself, I have to keep trying so I can turn my dreams into reality. Other times I’ve been sad and wondered “what’s the point of life?” I have to remind myself that the point is to find your purpose and live it. What’s your purpose? I can’t tell you that; only the Light can point you in the right direction. I can’t believe it’s almost been ten weeks I have been sober, I am surprising myself. I am proud of myself because there are temptations all around and I have turned them down. I wasn’t planning to go this long, I figured “take a little break from drinking,” but one day turned into a week and a week turned into 69 days. My best advice if you want to get clean is to take it one day at a time. One day, once I am healed, I plan to drink a glass of wine, but I don’t know when that will be. All I know is “I am not drinking today,” probably not tomorrow or next week either, but I am not there yet. All I can do is live for today with good intentions for tomorrow.

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