Being in an abusive relationship feels like a prison. I felt like I had no way out. Even though I wanted to leave, I would stay for many reasons. Other times, I left and went back to the pimp who abused me countless times. Your mind can play tricks on you and your mental problems will make excuses for you, which at the time feel like legit reasons. If you are in an abusive relationship, you need to leave him now. It is not going to get better, it will only continue to get worse.
Reasons Why I Stayed and/or Went Back:
Love- “I cannot give up on our love, I love him so much,” I told myself. I was holding on to a broken dream. I was in love with the man he pretended to be when we first met.
Hope- I had the hope he would change, since I saw so much good in him and all his potential of the man he could become. He treated other people amazing and I saw how caring he could be, yet he was not good to me.
Time invested- I have invested so much time into our relationship and didn’t want to give up after all the years I’ve spent with him. “I have already invested two years into our relationship,” turned into “I have invested five years too long, but I cannot take this another day.”
His family- All of his family likes to get together and hang out, I miss having that. Most of my family is either dead or has moved away. So his family felt like my own, but in reality I probably looked like a joke to his family. Because he brought multiple women around his family and then there was me, “his hoe.”
Financial abuse- I invested so much money in him. Every dollar I made, he held on to. I was not allowed to keep any money in my savings account. Any time I needed anything, I had to ask him for money.
Feeling guilty- He would start crying, begging me not to go, “baby please do not leave me. I love you so much; I do not know what I will do without you,” he said to me. It broke my heart seeing him cry, I felt like I was the bad one.
Confused- I was unsure of what to do. Once I left him, I would not have much of anything. Everything was in his name- the house, three cars, etc.
Physical abuse- Any time I tried to leave our house while he was around, he would stop me by physically abusing me. If I was able to make it out of the front door of our residence, he would come running up behind me and hit me, knocking me to the ground, then begin kicking me forcefully on the ground.
Loss of possessions- He would take my phone and/or break my cell phone. I did not know any phone numbers by heart, except for a family friend’s number. He’d hold all of my clothing and other personal items hostage.
Refusing to ask for help- I did not want to get anyone involved because I was taught to keep quiet. Any time I got people involved, him and his mother would lecture me about how I should not tell anyone. They me feel like it was wrong to get other people involved and that I was the bad one.
Mental abuse- He made me feel like I wouldn’t ever amount to anything in life. He’d tell me how all I will ever be is a hoe: “once a hoe, always a hoe.” I felt so worthless.
False promises- He’d promise me we would go out and do fun things, but when the time came, he’d make excuses of why we can’t go. He’d promise me how we will save up money to get me my own car and pay off my debt. It didn’t ever happen, but he’d always buy items for himself and other people. He always let me down.
The nice game- He’d start being nice to me and this made me feel good. He was finally giving me the time and attention I deserved. This didn’t last long- once he had me wrapped around his fingers, he’d go back to his abusive ways.
Frightened- I was scared, he would threaten to kill my family and I. He’d mention how he would send people to my families house and/or he’d go up there. If I hid inside of hotel rooms, I figured I’d be okay, but then I had to worry about my family.
Animals- I love our dog and the thought of not being able to see the dog broke my heart.
Missing him- I was depressed without him, I felt like a piece of me was missing when he was away. Although any time I was around him, I didn’t feel any happier.